Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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