How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
