I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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