I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
