she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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