I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
