I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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