Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
