I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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