I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
