I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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