last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
