I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
