im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
