I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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