Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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