we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
