my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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