this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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