I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
