i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Text me some of your sweat
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize