Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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