three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
