please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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