Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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