You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ok first of all what the fuck
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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