literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
