I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
