Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
