I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
