M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
