Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
