Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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