I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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