I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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