I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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