i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
