OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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