I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
