Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
