Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize