Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
