I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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