I met the friendliest cop last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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