i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
