I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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