Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She told me I should be a condom model.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize