so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
