i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
