okay pat passed out under dana's car
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
