nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
