I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Randomize
