about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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