I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Green mimosas i think yes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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