Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
