I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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