i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
