drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
