Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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