Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
