then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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