Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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