apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
