i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Pooping to opera.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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