I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
